Un-Resolute

January 16, 2013


Soooo

I'm in a bit of a predicament.  Waking up to some tough realities and then, just for good measure, beating myself all up on my head and feeling like a loser has been a regular part of this last week.

Knowing what I want isn't easy.  Especially when my lightest daydreams for myself are frequently featuring a nasty voice-over that says "You're never going to be able to actually pull this off. You realize that, right?"

Also, I'm kind of like that girl from the movie Wanderlust.  Jennifer Aniston.  I'm like Jennifer Aniston in basically every movie or tv show she's in.  Jen, are you really like this in person?  I would gladly claim your fit physique and your hair and your picture perfect boobies, don't get me wrong.  But I really want to believe that you're not this lost, searching, insecure little soul still not sure what it is you want from life.  What I mean, Jen, (May I call you Jen?) is that I think at 22 I'm allowed to still feel a little disoriented with my life.  I mean, a lot of stuff has happened and I still haven't processed enough of it to determine an appropriate trajectory.  I hope you know what trajectory means, Jen.  Because, if you don't, that would be contributing to your Rachel-esque image... an image that, in the brainy or respectably intelligent quadrant of the 'things that are important in life' pie, is just not ideal.  Its okay, worst case scenario?  Coupla math lessons never killed anyone.

Back to me.  Because this is a blog.  And blogs are narcissistic.  Lets be real, people of the internet, I'm writing a diary, but instead of keeping it shut with a heart-shaped padlock, I'm publishing it online and encouraging people to read it.  If that isn't totally self absorbed, I don't know what is.

So we know that I'm a weirdo.  Thats a given.  But even weirdos deserve happiness. 

This is the beginning of 2013 and I'm too lazy to even MAKE new years resolutions... let alone comprehend keeping them.

Why is life so elusive?  Why are we so hard on ourselves?

I recently read one of my favorite blogs (I mean, in a dream I WISH TO BE THIS BLOGGER) and she said that she isn't sure what she is doing with her life... and I'm all... B**** what the...?   She seems to be a lot further down the artists-who-make-a-living-and-travel-creatively line of success than I currently find myself.  Not necessarily big money (for which I don't really have the greatest use...), but creative opportunities, artistic talent, and some real-life legit-faced SWAG!

Why why why?  Why do genuinely awesome people feel like poop about themselves? 

But then... why do I insist on figuratively hitting my face on the regular with an industrial sized figurative sledge hammer of doubt and negative self talk?  Its dumb. I'm dumb.  I did it again.  Right there. Negative.

So my goal this year:  its to not measure myself by the size of my waist or how much organic food that I can force myself to consume for (if I'm lucky) the first three weeks of the year.  My goal is to learn about myself JUST like I did last year.  Because I learned so much in 2012, I trust my new smarter self to make some better decisions, based on said life-ducation.  

So thats it.  Thats my rant.

Sure I want to blog more, eat more healthy food, cut down on caffeine (and stop forgetting to eat until like 3pm after I have had three cups of coffee... whoops)

Sure I want to organize all the files on my laptop so they look pretty and it looks like my mind isn't a total garbage barge.

Obviously I want to do my dishes more than once a week and to not have to duel seventy-five-THOUSAND roaches in a turf war over my kitchen and garbage can.  Clearly, who wouldn't make that a goal?

Last of all, do I want to actually make some money doing something I really like to do on a more consistant basis?  YES!  Because as much as I loooooove the look on people's faces when I tell them I'm a trophy wife, I would not say no to having some sort of pet project that I'm excited to tell people about.  Something that actually earns me some sort of income.

But these things are just bound to hurt me, because I will fail.  I will fail at being this well-designed, disciplined, successful woman because she is a figment of my imagination.  She resides in no one.  

Because even this chick, I'm sure, has new years resolutions.  







And if there is improving to be done on THAT kind of domestic perfection?!  Thats just... I have no words.  There is literally no explanation for it.  Where disgust and worship meet.  Therein resides this video of a very pretty clean freak lady showing us her obscenely organized home (aka the fruit of her undiagnosed OCD).

Have a good week and enjoy fighting traffic now comprised of all those reluctant rich people returning to work from their month in the Seychelles.







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5 comments

  1. Umm... 0.o? You do realize you are awesome too right? *giving you a wth stare*...dance it out sista. "Fire burnin'" style.

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    1. Haha, of course! Were all awesome! I think that I (we) can get caught up in overzealously finding unimportant goals by which to define ourselves. And I'm pretty sure you don't have a copy of that fire burnin video... If you do, I am not as smart as I thought I was.

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  2. I just want to hug you right now. Sometimes tough realities have to be faced, but don't let them get you down, life is awesome. There are so many other things to focus on than the tough bits :) Also, my kitchen cabinets do not look like that lady's, and never will!

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    1. You're so right! Its much better to find things that were doing right and celebrate them! I agree on the kitchen thing. That lady is nuts.

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  3. Girl - you are awesome! I've always thought you were. And I love Jen Aniston. And no one is perfect - even those ones with wonderful looking blogs. You write really well btw. Career opportunities in hair, make up, photography, video AND writing - I'd say you're doing alright. CHIN UP. xx

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