I Seriously Need a New Camera Charger.

October 30, 2014

I couldn't sleep last night.

It seems ironic, doesn't it?  That as soon as my baby begins to sleep for (knock on wood oh please don't let this jinx it) longer stretches that could be described as *gasp*  sleeping through the night; it is I who can't seem to shut my eyes and drift away.  So many things zoom past the back of my lids in those twilight (er- midnight) hours.  And I have a confession:

I'm think afraid of absolutely everything.

Except aliens...

Nope, now that I just thought about aliens I'm kind of also terrified of them.

I've heard this is the mantra of motherhood... That once you have a baby you become this pile of pyjama pants and worry.  And while I don't particularly have anything against pyjama pants, I feel that I'm just better served by no pants at all.  Then again, the scurrying frantically to clothe my lower half that happens when I buzz someone in downstairs on short notice is as inconvenient as it is entertaining for you to envisage right now.  So possibly I should rethink the pyjama pants.  But oh boy do I have the worry down pat.

I'm wondering for parents of older children... does this ever go away?  Is there a magical age where you stop worrying so much?  When you have a second baby does the worry compound or is it the same?  

Worry is one thing, but then there is the alien thing... I'm just afraid of everything.  Fear and worry.  Like a stack of bricks a mile high pressing down on the very middle of my chest making me catch my breath and swallow a hundred times to get rid of the lump in my throat.  Google says this is anxiety, but what does one do to fix it?  I don't think I'm so acute that I experience 'attacks'?  My anxiety is lower in degree... but stretches over such a wide variety of subjects.  Cars, bridges, the middle east, poison, someone stealing my baby, SIDS...

See, immediately people who don't experience a lot of actual anxiety will put together a list of reasons why, rationally, I shouldn't be so afraid of any of those things.  Statistics, safety measures and just plain geography put them in the 'extremely highly unlikely to happen' category.  But for those who experience, even a little, true anxiety... you've already prepared your own very similar list.  Reasons why you should not be as terrified as you are, lying in bed, desperate for rest.  I spend most of the emotional and mental energy I'm given every day overriding my fear and getting in a moving vehicle, crossing a bridge, and enjoying my baby.  I muster as much will as I can to force out the damning possibilities.  Because I'm being stupid.  My daughter is happy, healthy and I won't fall in front of a bus.

Its not that I don't have the facts...  I have them.  I just have to wilfully use them on myself constantly.

Here is the thing:  All that energy I use to evict the stupid fear... that energy was meant for remembering what day it is, or emptying the dishwasher, or cleaning the bathroom.  I need everything I have in my brain to keep functioning effectively.  But I don't.  There are wide gaping holes where I should have more to give... but I just haven't got it.  I slump down on the couch because I'm tired.  Because I don't sleep well.  Because there is so much that I didn't do today.


Somehow, though, after I've admitted all this in writing, I feel marginally better.  I looked outside my window and there is some sun peeking through... the day is getting a little brighter... I'm having a new bed delivered today, finishing planning my darling friend's baby shower (which is Sunday...waaaaaaat!?) and doing my diaper laundry.  Which, as weird as it sounds, really always relaxes me... 


Apologies for no new pictures.  I currently have no way to charge my own camera because moving countries... wait, that happened almost a year ago.  Adding to list:  get Canadian camera charger.

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