On the last April 25th

April 25, 2015

On the last April 25th, I was in early labour.  I was having light, frankly adorable, contractions every 10-30 minutes so we set out for our "get the baby out" stroll around town.  Thinking this was a sure way to speed up the process.  

We bought vitamin water for me, and a coffee table for the house at this tiny little second hand furniture place in Chinatown.  The guy asked me when I was due.  I told him my due date was this past Sunday.  Its a funny thing, actually,  how people react when you tell them when you were due.  Their face and brief silence says you're nothing but a huffing, puffing, waddling time bomb to them now. 

Leading up to Friday the 25th, it had been a trying week.  I found it so difficult.  As wonderful as it was to be so supported by my family and friends, there was difficulty feeling okay to go into labour in my home with so many people around.  A certain tension grips everyone when you pass your due date.  As a pregnant woman at the cusp of motherhood, you watch your body, listen to it, jump on any twitch that it makes... hoping for a sign.  You, and everyone else around at the time.  Every time a face is made or a deep breath is exhaled, all eyes are fixed on you.  They're hitting refresh on your instagram page.  Hoping and waiting for news just like you are.  In light of this 'observed' state, I began to feel more like a cornered grizzly bear than a rational woman. So my parents, clearly seeing my discomfort and understanding what the problem was, went to visit their other friends in town and played tourist for the rest of the week.  In those days, I was able to do my thing and allow my body to begin releasing my baby.

Fast forward one year to this past week.  Spoiler alert: it was terrible.  Piper has taken to screaming and I have this thing with noises to begin with.  You know those people who get totally crazy listening to other people drink liquids or chew on things?  I am one of those people.  Applause and screaming on any type of talk show is like... I can't even talk about it, actually.  It bothers me that much.  So Piper intermittently screeching madly throughout the day for no reason other than that it pleases her to do so?  That is like... INSERT CRAZY EDWARD CULLEN GIF HERE.

And then there is a persistent thing with changing diapers.  It cannot happen without more screaming.  Different, however, in that it is not for the pure enjoyment of screaming, but out of single-minded protest.  Coupled with moves I cannot physically imagine executing myself, you can imagine.  I'm torn.  I can't let her run around soiled, but the process of righting that wrong fills me with dread until I overflow tears of exhaustion and exasperated whimpering.

Then, to top it all off, I realize that in the reorganization of my laptop, I accidentally deleted a bunch of original raw photo and video files from Piper's first few days as well as our trip to Spain.  It is safe to say that I feel like I cannot get on top of this week.  And it is Piper's birthday tomorrow and we don't have anything planned beyond our regular family brunch because its tax season and that means everyone in this house works overtime.  Another thing, everyone in the world (or at least in my life and instagram) has a serious case of the HUMBLEBRAGS or the actual flu.  I can't decide which one is worse.  

My reason for dumping all of that emotional baggage here, besides the selfish catharsis of it all, is to point out the parallels of this past week to that week one year ago.  Everything got overwhelming, to the point where even the smallest of things felt unbearable.  And then the joy came.  Not right away.  I was too shocked to feel the joy immediately.  But calm and slow, the immeasurable love spread through my body.  With every beautiful first.  Watching Reece hold her, presenting her to her grandparents, skyping family overseas, eating that glorious post-labour meal, breastfeeding her, announcing her name... the sea of sweetness washed over me in waves those first few days.  It wasn't instant, so I don't expect the upswing from this week of shitstorms to happen like a light switching on.  I expect a gradual sunrise... like that one a year ago.  When I awoke in my bed to the morning light with my baby beside me, exhausted but proud.

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  1. Paul says he *might* be able to help recover your deleted files. Let me know if you want us to give it a go ;-) Beautiful birthday tribute to your girl, enjoy your family brunch, sounds like the perfect way to celebrate.

    1. Thanks heather! Will text you asap. (don't know why I never get notifications for comments. I feel so late to the party responding like two days later)


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